Last Update : 04 mai 2003
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me
in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can
be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
"The most unfair thing about life is the
way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get
kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to
grade school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby, you go back into the womb; spend your last nine
months floating . . .and you finish off as an orgasm.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have
sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but he
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. ( A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem
that they had to pass this law?)
Have a look here, to understand why happiness may be a short nap in a picnic during a honeymoon vacation with the money that you (or your partner) have inherited ; dreaming about the work that you'd love to do !!
If shit happens,
it isn't really shit.
What is the sound
of shit happening?
If shit happens,
it is the will of Allah.
Let shit happen
to someone else.
If shit happens,
you deserve it.
Why does this shit
always happen to us?
I dont believe this shit.
What is this shit?
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him that read as follows:
Dear Husband: You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up.
A man walked into the ladies department of a
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man,
"There are more than one type?"
"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a
sea of bras in every shape, color and material
imaginable. "Actually," she continued, "even with all
of this variety, there are really only four types of
bras to choose from.
"Relieved", the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic,The
Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist
types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army Type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole
An elderly couple had been
dating for some time and
decided it was finally time to marry. Before the
wedding they embarked On a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the
subject of their connubial relationship:
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment, then asked,
"Was that one word or two?"
A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed the following question:
"Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest
of the world?"
This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:
In Africa, no one knows what "food" is.
In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" is.
In Eastern Europe no one knows what "opinion" is.
In South America no one knows what "please" means.
In the US no one knows what "rest of the world" means.
The Sunday school teacher
was speaking to her class
one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When
you die and go to Heaven ...which part of your body
>Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your
>"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
>Suzy replied, "...Because when you pray, you hold
your hands together in front of you and God just
takes your hands first!"
>"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.
>Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I
think it's your legs."
>The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on
her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be
your legs ?"
>Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's
bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight
up in the air and she was going, 'O.God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her
This could never happen, or
could it !!!!
There once was an Account Executive who lived his whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people he dealt
with. In fact, he made sure that every deal he made was a
One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by
a bus and he died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was
met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had anyone in Sales make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the Account Guy. "Well, I'd
like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I'd prefer to stay
"Sorry, but rules are rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the Account Guy in an elevator and
it went straight down to hell.
The doors opened and the account guy found himself stepping
out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the
distance was a country club and standing in front of him were
all his old friends fellow Sales Reps that he had worked with
over the years.
They were all dressed in tuxedos, beautiful women on their
arms, and they were all cheering for him.
They ran up and slapped him on his back and they talked about
old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night
went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak
and lobster dinner.
The Devil came over and offered him a Cuban cigar.
Then he and all his pals loaded into a limo and went to the
most amazing Strip Bar he had ever been to. The Account Guy
was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good bye as
he got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates and St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a
day in heaven."
So the Account Guy spent the next 24 hours lounging around on
clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time
and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St. Peter came
and got him.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The Account Guy paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I
never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the
Account Guy went down- down-down back to Hell. When the doors
of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him.
"I don't understand," stammered the Account Guy, "Yesterday I
was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we
ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there
is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at him and smiled. "That's because yesterday
you were a prospect."
"But today you're a client."
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.'
She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too'
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Just a thought for all the women out there...
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy
Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!!
Mr. Penis requests a
promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
has to work hard
has to work at great depths
has to work upside-down
has no ventilation or air-conditioned work environment
has to work in a high humidity environment with odors
has to work at hot temperatures
does not get weekends or holidays off
does not get time off after extra hours of work
has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness
Management Reply: "Request denied for the following reasons"
does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
does not respond immediately to any requests
coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
falls asleep after a short period of activity
shows no evidence of loyalty at the workplace
works better alone than with others
does not work at all unless pushed from behind
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
sometimes leaves work too early
Men Are Like....
(February 23, 2001)
... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much
interest. AND Once they withdraw they lose interest.
... Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
... Cement. After getting laid, they take a long, long time to get hard.
... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your
... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night
... Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.
... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
... Curling Irons. They’re always hot, and they’re always in your
... Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
... Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
...Lawn Mowers. If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding
... Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are
left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Snowstorms. You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll
get or how long he will last.
... Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Four Catholic moms are
having coffee together, discussing how important their children are...
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic mother chirps in, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic mom says,
smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic mother sips her coffee in silence. The other three women give her a not-so-subtle, "Well..." !!??
She finally replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'6", blond, hard-bodied, blue-eyed, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh, my God!'"
These two guys meet after
not having seen each other
for many, many years.
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been
going?" The second guy
speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't
stutter any more."
The answer comes,
"Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d
i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again
about how he was
"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h
d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..a..n
A..n..d t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h..r..e..w
i..n m..y f..a..c..e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend.
"W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e
s..h..e l...o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i...n..g h..i..s
Public Statement by the Rev.
Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the
population for my act of copulation.
I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification,
that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication.
I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation,
penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication
(to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination.
She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her
fascination with variation.
This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation
of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation.
My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation
will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation
has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy,
the barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquired the guy.
"4 cents," he replies. "FOUR cents!!!!" exclaimed the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy said, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided
to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest,
minister, and a rabbi went fishing together.
After awhile, the priest said, "Brother, Rabbi, would you please
both excuse me, I've got to pee." He laid down his fishing pole,
stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water
to the shore. He finished his business, then walked back across
the water to the boat.
The minister said, "Father, I didn't want to be the first to have
to go," so he stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and
walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished
his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back
to the boat.
The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water!
He thought to himself, "well, if they can do this, so can I!"
He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down,
stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a rock.
The priest turned to the minister and said, "You think we should
have told him where the rocks were?"
many nationalities can you offend in one joke?
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Italian men and 1 Italian woman
French men and 1 French woman
German men and 1 German woman
Greek men and 1 Greek woman
English men and 1 English woman
Polish men and 1 Polish woman
Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
American men and 1 American woman
Australian men and 1 Australian woman
New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
Irish men and 1 Irish woman
month later, the following things have occurred:
Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.
two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.
two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning
and cooking for them.
two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Polish woman and they started swimming.
two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how
her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here
are low and it is not raining.
two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian
woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both
New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any.
day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of
five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me
who was the most famous man who ever lived."
Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was
St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not
correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said,
"Please miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm
sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please
miss, it was Jesus Christ. The teacher said, "That's
absolutely right Moshie, come up here and I'll give you
the teacher was giving Moshie his money, she said "You
know Moshie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you
said Jesus Christ." Moshie replied, I know Miss, in my
heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
young man called his mother and announced excitedly that
he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should
mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,
and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-
thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date
for a week later. His mother called the day after the big
date to see how things had gone.
evening was a disaster," he moaned.
didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
she came over, but she refused to cook...."
demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout,
florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,
and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued,
"from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an
absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies,
no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, Summer
and Winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up
again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one,
then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that,
an hour's exercise; then.."
me, sir," interrupted a stranger in the corner, "but
what were you in prison for?"
getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do
you expect to get into Heaven?"
boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run
in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, either
come inside or stay outside!'
a candidate or the next US president !?
on November 1, 2000
...George W. Bush, Jr.
understand the importance of bondage between mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where
there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one
word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my
answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters
are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
...George W. Bush, Jr.
is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone,
his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how
he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains
the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't
worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
rich businessman from the North of Italy was on vacation in the
South and noticed a fisherman lying lazily beside his boat,
smoking a pipe.
me, but it's still pretty early in the day, I was
wondering why you aren't out fishing?" said the man.
I have caught enough fish for the day," said
don't you catch some more?" asked the rich man.
would I do with them?" asked the fisherman.
could earn more money," was the businessman's reply.
"With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go
into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make
enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish
and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two
boats...maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a
rich man like me."
would I do then?" asked the fisherman.
you could *really* enjoy life," replied the rich man.
The fisherman smiled and said, "Um ! Interesting, interesting !!"
young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon
married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died .But, she
remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her
coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this
loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank You Lord, they're finally
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked...
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."
actual ad in the London Times.
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tall-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.
was a fire one night at a convent and several retired
nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped by the fire.
They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the
fire when one of the sisters screamed, "We need to take off
our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety."
as they were recounting the event to reporters, they
were asked if they were afraid of the crude rope breaking.
"Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."
The male stages of life:
parents are away for the weekend.
girlfriend is away for the weekend.
fiancee is away for the weekend.
wife is away for the weekend.
second wife is dead.
didn't set back my therapy.
didn't have to meet her kids.
dark and handsome.
dark and handsome with money.
dark and handsome with money and a brain.
man with hair.
offers to pay.
cooks breakfast next morning.
cooks breakfast next morning for the kids.
can chew his breakfast.
age 12, success is...... having friends.
age 20, success is...... having sex.
age 35, success is...... making money.
age 60, success is...... having sex.
age 70, success is...... having friends.
age 80, success is...... not peeing your pants
man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder
going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed
the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather
plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the
ladder to success," she said.
contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to
the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman,
who was slightly easier on the eye. "Make love to me or
climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought
the man, "might as well carry on."
the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who,
this time, was quite attractive. "Make love to me or climb
the ladder to success," she uttered.
he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man
thought to himself that this was getting better the further
he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. "Make
love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
to imagine what could be waiting, and being a
gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the
next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair
showing, flies buzzing around his head.
are you?" the man asked.
said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
of Americans who believe they'll go to hell:
(Have a nice trip, Billy Bob!)
of Americans who are so lazy they'd rather fall off the furniture reaching for
the remote than get up from the sofa to retrieve it:
(Now you know How Rush got his fat ass!)
of American sixth-graders who can't locate the U.S. on a world map:
(It's right there Johnny, next to Eye-ran!)
of Texans who don't know what the first amendment guarantees:
(Isn't it the right to own a pickup, a shotgun, a pooch and a GeeeetaaaR?)
of Texas executions in August:
One every 5 days
(Two damned slow for people in Jasper!)
of Texas executions scheduled for the two months preceding the presidential
One every 22 days
(It's a tough life without entertainment but out of respect for the governor we'll put up with it!)
of Texas executions scheduled for the month following the presidential
One every 7 days
(Let's get back in the saddle, Boys! George is back and he's mad as hell!)
of doctors who have not exercised in the past year:
(Golf, fly-fishing and stock market are excluded!)
of Americans who said that alcohol played a large role in their college
(Does "Beer" count?)
new NRA members "must" donate to receive a silver bullet engraved
with Charlton Heston's signature:
(Up yours, Moses!)
of countries with a McDonald's franchise:
(Who needs water and rice?)
of times that nations with McDonald's Franchise have gone to war against one
(Is this the final answer, Regis?)
Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"
sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good
Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging a loaf
of bread in one hand, and the other hand in his pants pocket.
come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a
good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little
walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny
that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have
in the other?"
Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."
have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
had sex with a girl."
was it, Tommy?"
cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."
it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."
then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."
Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
did ya get?" asked Joseph.
I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
you done it in the a**?
Have you done it high on grass?
you done it in a car?
Have you simply gone too far?
you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows,
many questions asked here,
score times two is your purity
American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the
impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the
was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines
of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the
building. Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the
building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from
Remarked the tourist. "I never heard of him. What
did he write?"
check." was the reply.
40 year old guy goes to the doctor, telling that he has a question.
starts by saying that as he remembers, when he was 25, on an erection,
could not bend his penis, no matter how he tried, even with both hands.
doctor asks what his question was.
says that he comes to it. He should be patient !
at 30, he could, with much effort, bend it using both hands, but never with
35, he could hardly bend it with one hand.
doctor asks : "why do you tell me all these things ? Ask your question or
guy says : "Well, now that I can bend it with one hand, I wanted to know
until which age I'm getting stronger and stronger ?"
man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The
doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
he replied, "I've never done either."
you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired
I've never done any of those things either."
then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a
a party an elderly couple was talking to a young couple. The
young man said to the old man, "I have heard tell that when you
get up in years, you can't have sex anymore."
elderly couple said, "I don't know where you heard that, but
we have sex almost every night."
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday . . ."
once was a man who was so proud of the fact that
he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife
"Mother of Six."
His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to
call her that. But he was a stubborn man and was very
proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party given by his
company, and it was getting close to the time that
they should be leaving.
The husband yelled to his wife from across the room,
"Mother of Six, are you ready to go?"
Annoyed with his question, she yelled back,
"In a minute, Father of Four!"
once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the
confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."
priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."
young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.
you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.
you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.
you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob
Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my
fence. Not only is this making a heck of a noise, but the fence is now
sagging in the middle.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet
and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age
pensioner and need it straight away.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much. Its all right when my
husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it
several times a week from Mr. Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be
pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I
have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the
Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the
woman next door closed the door the other night, she pulled my knob too hard
and now it's ready to fall off.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what
did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
removed and put on top of my head.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse
down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you
were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George".
Baby Boomers, The '60s vs. the '90s
> Then: Long Hair
> Now: Longing for hair.
> Then: The perfect high.
> Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
> Then: Keg.
> Now: EKG.
> Then: Acid Rock.
> Now: Acid Reflux.
> Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
> Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
> Then: You're growing pot.
> Now: Your growing pot.
> Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
> Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
> Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
> Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
> Then: Seeds and stems.
> Now: Roughage.
> Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
> Now: Popping joints.
> Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
> Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
> Then: Paar.
> Now: AARP.
> Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
> Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
> Then: Killer weed.
> Now: Weed killer.
> Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
> Now: Getting a new hip joint.
> Then: Rolling Stones.
> Now: Kidney stones.
> Then: Being called into the principal's office.
> Now: Calling the principal's office.
> Then: Screw the system!
> Now: Upgrade the system.
> Then: Peace sign.
> Now: Mercedes logo.
> Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
> Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
> Then: Take acid.
> Now: Take antacid.
> Then: Passing the driver's test.
> Now: Passing the vision test.
> Then: "Whatever"
> Now: "Depends"
was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time
they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would
him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of
it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was
holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard,"
she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years.
better explain yourself!"
husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly... "I'll explain
the dildo if you can explain our three kids.
elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and
asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said
"That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut
each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't
need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."
Signs in England: (but could be anywhere):
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance).
6. OUTSIDE A SECONDHAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work).
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
A. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
A. Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
A. You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
A. Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10
most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
>tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
>What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
>die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get
>kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work.
>You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
>You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to
>grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
>You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine
>months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm."
foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper
as the years go by," one complained.
fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one
of the others.
sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them,
too," said the third senior.
hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest
and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up
and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side
of the grass!"
theology of toys:
Capitalism: he who dies with the most toys wins
Hari Krishna: He who plays with the most toys wins
Judaism: He who buys toys at the lowest prices wins
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys wins
Anglican: They were our toys first
Grekk Orthodox: No, they were ours first
Branch Dividian: He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins
Atheism: There is no toy maker
Polytheism: There are many toy makers
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves
Scientology: We are the toys
Bahai: All toys are fine with us
Amish: Toys with batteries are a sin
Taoism: The doll is as important as the dump truck
Mormonism: Let me borrow that doll for an evening
Zen: Where there are no toys, is there play?
little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
His dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll
call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll
you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and
see if it makes sense."
the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. He goes to his
parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his
father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit."