Last Update : 28 mars 2004


During his 1956 U.S. presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai Stevenson
"Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!"
Stevenson shot back
"That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

Schubert's Unfinished Symphony

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's
unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable
to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance
Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it,
and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum
which read as follows;

For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the
whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If
a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained
through the use of an amplifier.
Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.  This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended
that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this
were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has
already been handled by the strings. If all such
redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from
two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had
the time to finish his symphony.


The most powerful man in the world

"Reading is the basics for all learning."- Announcing his "Reading First" initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"- Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000


French Intellectuals to be Deployed to Afghanistan to Convince
 al-Queda of Non-Existence of God

 The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies
 revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
 philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of al-Queda
 zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

 Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets',
 will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency
 and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous
 intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris'
 Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of
 pavement Cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they
 will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life
 and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied
 by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further
 spread dismay by looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

 Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
 confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate
 Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a
black Pullover
 plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's isolation with
 reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Jerry Lewis. "The
 al-Queda are caught in absurd logical fallacy." said Belmondo."We
 simply intend to make this clear to them."

 Humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as
 inhumane, pointing out that exposure to a Lewis film would almost
 certainly cause a horrific psychotic break in a person who has not had
 previous exposure to Western culture. And the effects of passive
 smoking from the Frenchmen's' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible
 toll on innocent civilians.

Enron explained - How to Explain Enron to Your Children and those LESS wise:

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbours help take care of them
and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and
denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on
their income.

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company created using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.


A shame for all apes !

Read on actual church bulletin boards

> Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
> Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
> downstairs.
> The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
> Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
> This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
> the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
> Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
> milk will please come early.
> Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me
> in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
> Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
> All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in
> his study.
> This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
> an egg on the altar.
> The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
> will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
> Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
> new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
> come forward and do so.
> The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can
> be seen in the church basement Saturday.
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
> will follow.
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
> Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A little mental stimulation!
One for the brains.
Guess the words or phrases.

1.        man

Ans. = man overboard

2.      stand

Ans. = I understand

3.  /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

Ans. = reading between the lines

4.        r

Ans. = cross road

5.     cycle

Ans. = tricycle


Ans. = downtown

7.     le /
           / vel

Ans. = split level

8 .      0

Ans. = two degrees below zero

9.     knee

Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)

10.     ii   ii
         O  O

Ans. = circles under the eyes

11.       dice

Ans. = paradise

12.      t

Ans. = touchdown

13.   ground

Ans. = six feet underground

14.      he's / himself

Ans. = he's by himself

15.      ecnalg

Ans. = backward glance

16.    death / life

Ans. = life after death

17      THINK

Ans.  think big !!

And the last one is fun...........
see if you can guess this last one!!!


Ans.  long time ,no 'c'(see)

 A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9
 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and
 shuts  the door.  Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the
 closet  with the little boy.

 The little boy says, "Dark in here."
 The man replies, "Yes, it is."
 Boy: "I have a baseball."
 Man: "That's nice."
 Boy: "Want to buy it?"
 Man: "No, thanks."
 Boy: "My dad's outside."
 Man: "Ok, how much?"
 Boy: "$25"

 In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mother's
 lover  are in the closet together.

 Boy: "Dark in here."
 Man: "Yes, it is."
 Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
 Remembering the last time, the man asks, "How much?"
 Boy: "$75"
 Man: "Fine."
 A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
 outside and toss the ball back and forth."
 The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
 Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
 Boy: "$100"
 The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,
 that  is way more than those two things cost.  I'm going to take you to church
 and  make you confess."
 They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
 confession booth and he closes the door.
 The boy says, "Dark in here."
 The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"


                                 Once upon a time, 
                                in a land far away, 
                             a beautiful, independent, 
                               self-assured princess 
                         happened upon a frog as she sat,
                          contemplating ecological issues 
                        on the shores of an unpolluted pond 
                       in a verdant meadow near her castle. 
                      The frog hopped into the princess' lap 
                              and said: Elegant Lady, 
                           I was once a handsome prince, 
                     until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. 
                            One kiss from you, however, 
                               and I will turn back 
                      into the dapper, young prince that I am 
                         and then, my sweet, we can marry 
                       and set-up housekeeping in your castle 
                                  with my mother, 
                          where you can prepare my meals, 
                        clean my clothes, bear my children, 
                                    and forever 
                         feel grateful and happy doing so.  
                                    That night, 
                         as the princess dined sumptuously 
                     on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs 
                             seasoned in a white wine 
                              and onion cream sauce, 
                       she chuckled and thought to herself: 
                             I don't think so.

A coin has 2 sides !

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.  St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and a long comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on -- a tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "Well, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Don't call her a bitch ...


I shave my legs,
 I sit down to pee.
 And I can justify any,
 shopping spree
 Don't go to a barber,
 but a beauty salon.
 I can get a massage
 without a hard-on.
 I can balance the check book,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
 My beauty's a masterpiece,
 and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
 to others when I'm wrong.

 I don't drive in circles,
 at any cost.
 And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
 You just gotta deal with it,
 I'm usually late.
 I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.

 I won't lose my hair,
 I don't get jock itch.
 And just cause I'm assertive,
 Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
 In your dreams, my dear,
 I can do better!
 Flowers are okay,
But jewellery's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!
 I don't have a problem,
 With Expressing my feelings.
 I know when you're lying,
 You look at the ceiling.
 Don't call me a girl,
 A babe or a chick.
 I am a WOMAN,
 Get it, you prick?!

You know I'd give you the moon!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called  "emoticons", where

         :) means a smile and

        :(  is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

         :-) and

  :-( respectively.  Well, how about some "assicons"?

  Here goes:

  (_!_)      a regular ass

  (__!__)    a fat ass

  (!)        a tight ass

  (_*_)      a sore ass

  {_!_}      a swishy ass

  (_o_)      an ass that's been around

  (_x_)     kiss my ass

  (_X_)     leave my ass alone

  (_zzz_)    a tired ass

  (_o^^o_)   a wise ass

  (_E=mc2_)   a smart ass

  (_$_)     Money coming out of his ass

  (_?_)   Dumb Ass

  oo*"           "*o.o*"        "*o.
  ...o"                   'o"                 "o
    o                      o                    *o
  ...o                       o                       'o
   o                         o                        o.
   o                          o                         o
   o                          \o/                       o
   o                         --0--                       o
   o.                         /o\                        o
   o                           o                         o
   o                           o                          o
   o                           o                       oo
  oo                         o                       oo
  oo.                       oo                    oo
  'ooo.                  ..oo.                 ooo
  o ""oo,,        ,,oO-'Oo,       ,,,,,oo"o
  o.         """"""    oo       """""        o
  'o                     oo                     o'
  o                     oo                    o
  'o                     o                    o*
  o                     o                   o
  o                     o                  o
  o                    o                 o
  o                    o                 o
  o                    o                 o
  o                    o                 o






THE F-WORD Style guide:

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm
late for my date with Mary). 

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."

3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"

4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."

5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"

6. Disgust "Fuck me."

7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"

8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"

9. Despair "Fucked again..."

10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."

11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"

12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."


14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"

15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."

16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."

17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"

18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"

20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."

21. Directions "Fuck off."

22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!" Willard Scott
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"She wants how much fucking money?!?!?" Donald Trump
"Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!" Orville Reddenbacher

Dynamite and fuse !

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."
He then removes his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

Management Lessons

*Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.   A  small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like  you and do nothing all
day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow and  rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing  nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

*Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I  haven't got the energy."

Well,  why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a  lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.  Finally after a fortnight  there he was
proudly perched at the top of the tree.  Soon the turkey was spotted by a
farmer, who promptly shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you  there.

*Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.  The
brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the  whole body's responses
and functions."  The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain
about and get him to where he wants to go.  The hands said, "We should
be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."  And so it
went on and on with  the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally
the asshole spoke up.  All  the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole
being the Boss.  So the asshole went  on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work.  Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole
will do.

*Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.  While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.  As the frozen bird lay
in the pile of cow  dung, it began to realize how warm it was.  The dung
was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the  cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out.  Then he ate him!

*Management Lessons:
   Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
   Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
   And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut


The best way of describing a woman is to use a ball.
At 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.
At 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men after her.
At 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man after her.
At 48, she is a Ping-Pong ball - 2 men pushing to
each other.

What woman think about sex:
At age 8 ignore it.
At age 18 experience it.
At age 28 look for it.
At age 38 ask for it.
At age 48 beg for it.
At age 58 pay for it.
At age 68 pray for it.
At age 78 forget it!

The best way of describing a man is to compare him to
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer,
so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season
comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled
& cheap.

Man's sexual stages
At 20s thrice weekly
At 30s tries weekly
At 40s tries weakly
At 50s tries & tries
At 60s tries& cries
At 70s tries & dies!


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third
is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' and I said "6" replies Johnny.

"But that's right!"

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


 Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
 going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
 example of a multi-syllable word?"

 Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

 Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

 Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed
 to go to the bathroom.

 He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

 The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use
 in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please

 use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to

 Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you

 had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!"


 One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
 show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
 sentence twice.

 First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought

 my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

 "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
 Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
 beautifully," he said.

 "Excellent, Michael!"

 Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner
 table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
 'Beautiful,... just fucking beautiful!'"

This should make you think !

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in
diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that
it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open
areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things
that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no
room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the
things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take
time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will
always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner arty and fix

the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of wine. Of course the
wine filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of the tale is this: No matter how full your life is, there is
always room for wine.

Q & A

1. Q: What's the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: When the baby look like the father, its Biology. When the baby looks
like the neighbour, its Sociology!

2. A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
and said, "Do you see that couple ? How loving they are ?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that ? she asked.
The husband replied " I tried once but she slapped me."

3. The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to have her tooth
extracted. Seeing so many instruments, she got frightened.
"Doc, I would rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled out."

The dentist retorted, "Well, make up your mind so that I can adjust the
chair accordingly."

4. Q: What is the difference between a good secretary & an excellent one?
A: A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir." & an excellent secretary
says, "It's morning, sir."